The Difficulties of Funerals When You're Affected by Depression
Attending a funeral can elicit some fairly obvious emotional responses. You're sad, you're mourning, you're grieving — all perfectly natural reactions to the loss of a loved one. And yet, you might not feel able to properly process these reactions when you're already affected by depression. It can all feel too much, and while your depression is something you're doing your best to manage, the prospect of attending a funeral might feel beyond your capabilities or be cause for alarm about the consequences to your own mental health. You still want to attend to pay your respects, but you doubt that you're able to do so. How can you attend a funeral when your depression might be getting in the way?
It's OK to Not Feel OK
Nobody feels positive at a funeral, even when death might feel like a relief of sorts, such as after a long illness. You need to emotionally prepare yourself for the fact that you will be attending a service where grief will be the prominent emotion of those around you. It will be difficult for you, and you need to be ready. You will also be mourning, although you might be doing so differently to those around you, and there is nothing wrong with that. Your own grief might be more internalised and be part of the deeper sadness that is your depression. There is no right or wrong way to mourn at funerals, so if you're concerned that you will be unable to display the correct emotion or the correct level of emotion at the service, you needn't be because there's no such thing.
Attend on Your Terms
Yes, it can be difficult to attend a sad occasion when your own mental health is low. This is why it's important to create a structure that allows you to attend without compromising your own well-being. It can be quite simple, and you should not feel guilty for not participating beyond this as you need to ensure that you can attend in a way that is healthy for you. You should think about declining to attend anything other than the service itself. Any pre- or post-funeral plans (such as a wake) might prove to be too draining for you, so perhaps limit yourself to the service. Aim to take a seat at the back of the funeral home or chapel so that you can still be there to pay your respects but so you can easily leave without disruption if the situation creates too much emotional strain.
You Can Participate Without Being There
When you truly feel that you are incapable of physically being there, please don't mentally punish yourself. When you believe that a funeral service could jeopardise your own recovery process, you need to acknowledge this. Consider sending flowers to the family of the bereaved (which might also be your own family) or a donation to the charity of your loved one's choice, if this was stipulated anywhere, as a token of your respect at this difficult time. Many funeral directors will even offer live streaming of the service for those who are unable to attend in person. This allows you to view the service from a safe space so that you can participate without the potential emotional complexity of being there in person.
Don't underestimate the importance of your support network at this time. If you have a doctor or therapist, you can discuss the matter with them, and if you have friends or family members who you feel comfortable talking to about such matters, then it might be helpful to discuss your concerns with them.
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